Edible Roses
by Seiki1
Summary: My first somewhat successful attempt at a humor. Pleeeeaaasssee... R+R


Alrighty. First things first. I'm ripping on pretty much every character in this. don't get me wrong! I love FF7 and the only character in this entire game that I hate is Aeris, no offense! Every character is bashed, especially my most favorite, Yuffie. This fic has comments. in fact. a whole chapter's worth of a plot based on Cloud's sexual orientation. If that's going to offend you, I'm sorry. And another thing! No I'm not homophobic. Don't even suggest that. Okay. Read on!!!  
  
Tap tap tiptap tap tappity tap tap  
  
Cloud sat at his desk in the dimly lighted home, a typewriter in front of him. He was in the progress of typing the story of his adventure. He never abandoned his friends. In fact, as hazardous and strange as it seems, he lived with them all. Tifa had even taken the liberty of plunging into the lake of the City of the Ancients, retrieving Aeris's corpse, and burying it in the backyard. How thoughtful...  
  
A year had passed since that maddening point in time. Everyone had changed at least a little.  
  
Cait Sith was now a strong individual after surviving the attack of the non- existent Y2k bug and finally threw away his megaphone (soon regretted, as he realized he could barely be annoying any more).  
  
Tifa found out that it's hard to be a Spice Girl without the English accent, and the Scary one shot down all of her ambitions and hopes and sent her back home.  
  
Barret decided matching apparel was attractive, so he deliberately chopped off his other arm and sold it on the black market, earning himself just enough to buy a matching gun. Marlene of course fled back to Aeris's mom with her tail between her legs, afraid that at anytime Barret might try to pick her up, she'd become another Old Yeller (at least she'd be put out of her misery... like Old Yeller).  
  
Vincent wrote an editorial on the 50 reasons why he is not a vampire, then painted his coffin an attractive coat of glow in the dark, submitted it to The Guinness Book of World Records, and was able to afford him some good therapy to make Chaos leave. Chaos found his love in Loch Ness Lake (Sooo sorry for spelling errors. I'm not Scottish.).  
  
Cid sent the first monkey into space after Yuffie, whom he could have sworn was the monkey in the first place, refused to go, and stopped smoking... for a week. Then he just kept right on doing it.  
  
Nanaki (RedXIII) suddenly became very love sick to the point where he was exploring beyond the boundaries of species (but he never got any anyway). He then decided to give up after being rejected so many times and came to be in the cast of the Lion King. After the part of Scar was offered to him, he came running back to the group, crying.  
  
Yuffie stopped stealing things and resorted to borrowing without asking. She tore the engines out of the Highwind and added them to her "shiny things" collection, which she so neatly displays in Cloud's bungalow's basement.  
  
Sephiroth, Aeris, Bugenhagen, Rufus, Hojo, Biggs, Jessie, Wedge, Shinra Senior, Dyne, Corneo, etc. are all still very very dead!! (And I don't care WHAT GameShark enables you to do! Sephiroth will NEVER be your friend, and Aeris is gonna STAY dead!)  
  
(Anyway...)  
  
Cloud stretched his arms over his head and tilted the chair back onto it's hind legs. He was tired, he had been up all night writing, but the world had to know. He decided to call it a day, and left his story in mid- sentence.  
  
Dragging his toes up the stairs to his room proved to be a load of work for him. *I knew I shouldn't have been sitting there all day...* When he finally reached the top, he slipped silently into his bedroom. The echo of snores hid the light tap of his footsteps, and even drowned out the sound of the ever multiplying crickets. He threw off his shirt and tucked himself beneath his sheets, his thoughts carrying him to a somewhat peaceful sleep.  
  
NEXT DAY!!!!!!!!!!! ------------------- It was a beautiful morning. The sun shone brightly and triumphantly upon the beautiful garden near Cloud's house. The flowers began to bloom and pearls of water hung from their petals. The morning smelled of crisp, fresh air and clean laundry. Birds of all sorts gathered atop a tree to sing their wonderful song of morning. Yuffie leaned out her window, took a deep breath in and... pelted a bird with a useless piece of materia: Holy. The bird flocked away. Yuffie clenched her fists and grinned. "Yeah! That'll show 'em!"  
  
Cloud was already up and typing away. Tifa, also already awake, walked past him, examining over his shoulder. At the sight of her name, she stopped, took two paces back and watched.  
  
"I can't have someone reading over my shoulder, Tif'"  
  
Tifa said nothing and watched more intensely, hoping to spark his temper just a little bit. The past few days, he has done nothing but write. Sure enough, her plan worked.  
  
Cloud tilted his head over the back of the chair, upside down. "Can I help you?" He said grimly.  
  
"I'm just looking." Tifa said defensively.  
  
"I would appreciate it if you didn't." He went back to work.  
  
Tifa stood there a moment before she began pacing away, casually. Before she was out of sight, she took the pre-typed papers and bolted up the stairs. Cloud chased, knocking his chair over.  
  
"Tifa---!! Give those back!"  
  
"Not on your life, buddy." Tifa ran into Yuffie's room and locked the door behind her, panting. "Yuffie... Yuffie... Cloud's hiding something, and I've got it right here." She held out the papers, proud of her scheme.  
  
Yuffie curiously approached the papers and snatched them from her hands. "Ooh. This must be the fourth one!!"  
  
"What?" Tifa wheezed.  
  
"Yeah. Cloud's been writing about how we all beat Sephiroth and stuff!" She paused. "'Course, ya couldn't without me!" She examined Tifa's confused expression, and continued when she said nothing. "Yep. I've read the two books of the trilogy."  
  
Tifa took a while to catch her words before convincing herself that she came to the wrong room, and that Yuffie was a complete idiot. She snatched the papers back. "Don't you think it's weird that he's writing? Guys don't write!"  
  
Yuffie blinked. "Yes they do."  
  
Tifa argued. "Name one!"  
  
Yuffie counted on her fingers with her eyes rolled back, "Tom Clancy, J.R.R. Tolken, Stephen King..."  
  
Tifa shook her head and interrupted. "No no no! Name a straight one!!" Yuffie immediately shut up. "That does it. Cloud is gay! I mean I had my suspicions but..."  
  
Cloud pounded on the door. "What are you talking about in there!?"  
  
"Nothing." They both chimed.  
  
Tifa gave Yuffie a grimly serious look. "He's swinging the other way..."  
  
"Psh. No way! He likes you! ... I thought." Yuffie scratched her chin.  
  
Tifa lowered her head and looked at Yuffie through her eyelashes. "Explain the purple turtle neck."  
  
They were both silent for a moment, then Yuffie spoke again. "Gay guys can be fun to talk to..."  
  
Tifa whirled around. "DAH! You're not helping!!!" She unlocked the door and opened it, to find Cloud standing there. He looked confused.  
  
"Can I... have my story back? Please??" He fluttered his eyelashes.  
  
Tifa grimaced and shoved the papers into his chest. "Take 'em sicko!!!" She marched away, fuming.  
  
Cloud looked at Yuffie, accusingly. "What did you tell her!!?"  
  
Yuffie's jaw dropped. "N-Nothing!!"  
  
Cloud leaped down the stairs and frolicked to the computer. He signed onto the Internet and wrote Tifa a short, discreet, poetic e-mail, apologizing for whatever it was that he did wrong. He signed it, "With Love, Cloud."  
  
He wasn't good at verbally expressing his feelings, but though writing, he could truly find himself and reach deep down inside of him, revealing his more feminine side.  
  
Ahem.  
  
Dahn Dahn DAAAHHHNNN!!! Is Cloud really gay or is he just really gay- seeming? Find out in the next chapter of Edible Roses!! 


End file.
